somewhere else.

In a place called disturbia.

Again

I'm in too deep...

I'm falling.

I'll get hurt.

I am hurt.

There can't possibly be a hurt more

painful than this.

emotion jar

Everytime I felt something

I wrote it down

Everytime I wrote it down

I placed them in a jar

Everytime I felt empty

I got out my emotions

Everytime I took one out

I remembered the time it was felt

Everytime I preserved an emotion

I lost the right to feel it again

~For it is not right to lock them away in jars

saved for a rainy day~

...

I'll sleep when I'm dead...

when all else fails...

The only thing left to do is sleep

my confession

Sometimes all I want is for someone to love me.

~Unconditionally~

as you want...

~Love me, love me not~

sigh...

curiosity killed the cat and rightly so...

The world in my head...

~Is my reality~

Sometimes...

~When I cross the road I secretly wish a car would hit me~

well...

Is it you?

You follow me eveywhere

Are they really nightmares when they follow me into the day?

Hello....

Need to get used to saying good bye now...

added to the last post...

~ME?~

one word, one question...

WHY?

Dont say you love..

Don't say you fucking love me

I don't want it!

~I just want to cry~

Someone told me...

I charm people

I dont like this

Compulsive liar I am...

I'm fine...

~Inside my soul cries~

I don't love you

~such ugly and painfully untrue words~

Dear Diary

Today I cried

felt small

felt stupid

felt childish

felt dead

and now again I feel numb

lots of meaningless love

Sobz

p.s

No one is allowed to love me ever again

Sometimes...

The most beautiful things

are the most painful

The brightest light

is the darkness

and the silence

speaks louder than any words

~These sometimes are most dangerous

but also the safest~

Confessions of a broken heart...

~Ouch!~

please...

Don't let me fall down the same hole,

I want what I can't have

I need what I must not

~oh look I just forgot to breathe again~

ignorance is handed to the lucky

This is what it feels like to give up, to finally realise the truth,

the truth fucking hurts and I don't think I want to know the

truth ever again, ignorance is bliss. I wish I were more oblivious

because I can't take this much longer

If you love something...

...Set it free

~and if it comes back

its meant to be~

When I get home...

I wont be missing you anymore

~is that really what you want~

Ghosts that linger

Days go by and I'm fine

scratch that I'm good

I fear nothing except,

the night

When you come and join me in

my bed

my dreams

my head

I don't want you there

I push and I shove

but I just can't rid myself of the memories

memories so happy

so pure

so naive

and so biased

~This time you were the ultimate liar

but still my dose of insanity~

Pour le moment...

Je ne sais pas

Crazy,

I'm not myself lately,

I'm foolish,

I don't do this.

Please.

Get out of my dreams,

please.

~you're haunting my emotions~

The impossible.

If you can imagine it,

Its possible

I'm waiting for...

... The day when there is no longer 'I'

but instead only 'we'

vi to...

Men jeg er din og det vil jeg nok altid være

For kun hos dig der føler jeg mig hjemme

...my empty mind is so full

Why do you fill me with sorrow

from the words that you borrow

Hatred isn't simple

The message was brutal but the delivery was kind.

For this reason alone I could not hate him.

My Heart,

This time no one will find the key,

I've placed it far away from preying hands.

~somewhere,

I even I can no long reach it~

Absence

Absence is to love

what wind is to fire

when the fire is small the wind kills it

but when its a real fire it intensifies it.

The city; Diane von Furtenberg

When alive all there is to gain is death

But, when dead there is nothing left to achieve.

Tara Tompkins

To understand me you must first understand a girl called Tara Tompkins, a girl whom I only met on occasions and they weren’t frequent let me tell you that.

Tara Tompkins was the girl who changed my life, she was different to anyone I had ever met before then and quite honestly scared me as much as she intrigued me. She sat next to me in French and spoke to no one, people made fun of her plainly because they didn’t understand her. I was mostly drawn to her by my curiosity, the things she wore, the little she spoke and those strangely beautiful crisscross patterns she wore etched onto her arms. They stood out beyond any other feature, like flesh coloured bracelets binding her to something unknown.

My life officially changed forever the day she decided to talk to me, that was all it took and from the first hello she would tell me about her single parent mum to her girlfriend’s life and how she wanted to move in with her but wasn’t sure whether she was ready. Other times it would be photo of her boyfriend, who she had moved in with after a major fight with her mother.

One day I remember hearing from a few bullies in my French class that she had ‘turned’ and had been found slitting her wrists in the toilets, I didn’t speak to her again after that. I didn’t fully understand what they meant by wrist slitting when the girls talked and gossiped about her afterwards, I did not realize that they were referring to the method in which the wondrous patterns on her arms had appeared. And then she disappeared.

I never told anyone that I missed her, the way she wore dog collars around her wrist amongst numerous other plastic neon bands and strings, a personal collection of memories. I missed the way the dark make up rimming her eyes was always quite badly smudged, her grungy heavy shoes, her chipped dark usually black nail varnish and the different t-shirts she wore under her uniform. But mostly I simply missed her presence, one that was so plainly different and unique, one that screamed ‘I don’t want to change so FUCK OFF’ and I missed how I was not the only strange kid in the room. Maybe my reasons were purely selfish, but she made me want to be me, no one else just me.

I remember the first pattern that I made on my arm, I had been in fight with my father before walking into an exam, and never had I felt like such a failure before. Which exam it was I do not recall but I sat and felt nothing, too used to the taunting and belittling feelings my dad brought to my chest, that I had become numb and senseless. I wanted to feel like I had never wanted to feel before, like my whole being craved any emotion that it could grab a hold of.

To this day I will never understand what took over me but I raised the metal end of my pencil, which had once held an eraser and had now been chewed and sharpened, up to my left wrist and dragged it slowly, bluntly but deeply across. The skin it split and at first the blood didn’t come but that was ok because the stinging sensation had almost eased the numbness up enough to feel pain.

I was 14 when I first became a cutter, it wasn’t because of Tara but I suddenly felt her pain, I understood her and who she was. She was lost, and so was I. The difference was that I wasn’t brave enough to embrace this, I hid my scars and wounds from every preying eye in the world, and she flaunted hers like jewels or clothes. She knew she was lost and never once denied it, but instead of pretending to be happy she openly expressed her hatred and unhappiness. What I will never know or understand is why me?

I duno

Maybe it was too drastic to completely eradicate you from my life, I should probably have done it in doses, I think it's too late now. I duno, I would kinda very much like you back in my life. For you were the only one I could truly talk to, for you were the only one who let me know both sides of the argument and for you would the only one that made me feel alive when I was around you. If you are there reading this and you don't mind walking back into my life please do. At least then I would feel worth something again and not so empty and hollow.

I'm going to post it before my ego gets the better of me.

I think...

Love is Suicide

Il saigne

Mon cœur, elle se situe sur le terrain des saignements

émotions inutiles

Je t'aime, je veux le meilleur pour vous

Fuck

When did my life get to the stage where I don't care whether I live or die? It must have happened so slowly I didn't even feel the fall, and to think that not longer than 4 months ago I was actually happier than I have ever been, but that now is a mere memory.

I can probably say with all honesty that I hate my life, I can't even be bothered to look at others through envious eyes because there isn't even a point in trying to obtain it, I'm stuck here. What did I do deserve this? I think I am so far beyond repair now that I'll just have to pretend to be happy but even that is getting tiring and I find myself slipping so often my friends are actually noticing this pain I don't even feel but obviously bare on my face and in my behaviour. I just don't know what to do with myself anymore, I had goals and targets but at this point in time it's like I don't even want to attempt at them because I'm so so so tired of being let down. I give chances to people because I'm too afraid to give up and realise that they're all just fucking me up on purpose. Am I destined to be that person forever, the substitute for better things, the one that is so easy to give up on, the one that no one wants to fight for, the one that is so easily replaced? I genuinely believed and had faith that people may for some out of this world reason actually like me, simply for who I am and not just for what I give. I was wrong, never have I wanted to be this wrong in my life. I as a person am not worth much, it's pathetic and stupid but I have realised it now and I guess it'll follow me everywhere. I wish I was someone else someone who was worth something, someone people didn't just give up on and toss to the side without a second thought, someone worth living for, someone who left a lasting impression.

In my mind...

Love doesn't exist

who am i but a lonely soul, a mind unable to share its thoughts, a creature whom no one can love

What is love but an illusion

created by man to make themselves

believe that someone but themselves

understands and appreciates them.

I cannot not breathe without you

but alas I cannot stand the stench when you're around

Ghosts

Ghosts don't die,

for they are already dead

Memories are like ghosts

walking through the snow.

They leave no traces of having

once been there.

.

You took my heart,

in your hand,

with every word you wrote

you tarnished my heart

you torn and broke it apart

the tears they fall

onto the ground

like rain on spring day

the days they fall

and blend together

but not when you're around

I saw the light

small and shining

maybe it was too far ahead

maybe it was just an illusion

~I don't know how and I don't know why but I still love you~

heartbreak

~BEAUTIFUL DISASTER~

it's a waiting game from here

The further you get into a relationship the more it hurts when you realise things are going wrong or when you argue, maybe its because the person means so much more to you at that stage and although you're frustrated and angry, you're also scared to hell that what you said hurt the other person beyond repair. This is probably why a lot of friends and couples don't always say exactly what they need to or are thinking, although the saying 'Think before you speak' is a valuable lesson to learn trust me. The scariest thing also is the deeper you go the more of you the other person holds to destroy, which also works both ways. This could mean that the smallest thing could hurt the other person, but in contradiction to that you should also be more forgiving towards the other person the deeper you get because you become more sympathetic and understanding of the persons personality traits and behavioural tendencies.
There is always that strange feeling you get when you think someone might not want you around, so naturally you step away and wait for them to approach or for some kind of sign that they are ready to talk about it. But what if there are no signs and no approach is it then ok to make the first move? Putting too much distance could potential make the other person believe that you don't care which is never really the truth. Sometimes you wish you could help but there is no conceivable means of helping because the other person isn't ready to accept it and then the only thing to do is wait.
~time heals all...apparently~

...

I dislike summer due to the heat, and maybe because it limits me
to what I do. I don't like being hot its like walking around with a
constant fever. =[ I like being active and running around loads but I can't do
that when its ultra hot and I just feel like sleeping. It doesnt help that
I feel like something is missing or not quite right.

Mon Coeur

What is it to be in love with the forbidden fruit?
Oh no c'est pas vrai mais oui, c'est moi.
I am in love with what seems like a distant dream, I did commit a sin and I ceased it with both hands to
say the least, I loved every moment of it but that doesn't make it right. Though I do not regret
but that doesn't make it right either. To commit a sin against someone else, a sin in which you
yourself would never want to be at the consequence receiving end.
Alor c'est la vie avec l'amore et les problème.
C'est un problème avec mon cœur parce que j'adore il =[
ciao

...

Here I have harvested my pain..

Hope it makes you happy.

parents

SERIOUSLY!?

When do parents realise that their children have gotten to the age where they can look after themselves and stop having to feel so protective of them, I mean no disrespect to all those parents out there who try their hardest to look after their children but sometimes enough is enough and it's insane when they still feel the need to control every aspect of the child's life when they reach the age of like 19.... I mean am I not old enough to make my own judgements and choose my own path in life, have I not spent my whole life abiding by your rules and learning everything there is to learn from my parents, the rest is up to me to find out.

What is this control? Why do parents feel the need to have this kind of control on their older children? I mean should they not be waning the kids out of this control? Otherwise how on earth will the kids ever be able to cope on their own?!?!

I hope to god that I never become one of these parents...

C'est cho, ca brule

Okay...

Does the term 'playing with fire' mean anything to you?

It would imply that you're involved in something dangerous whether it be emotionally or physically, but also it could mean you are interacting with or involved in something bad. I happen to enjoy playing with fire when it doesn't hurt anyone but myself. I know for a fact it will eventually get me into trouble but right now I don't mind as long as I'm the only one getting hurt. The only problem is that you can never guaranty that that is so, someone always seems to get caught up in it too and ends up getting more hurt than me. But the intention was never to get anyone else involved maybe thats why its called playing with fire, because it spreads and burns everything around you. But why do I like doing it then? Why does it not remain secret or private? I guess because the benefits are almost immediate and the repercussions don't set in until ages afterwards and only happen if someone else finds out. I seem to be implying that I am doing something extremely bad which I am not, just considering some stuff that could be deemed as playing with fire. At least I'm not feeding the flame or setting fire to anything, yet.

I'm just very confused and tarnished at the moment. I feel like I have been burnt badly by someone else's enjoyment of the flame. This could just all be devils work, and all these fires represent the flames of hell and that its best to steer well clear but they are so enticing and beautiful, they way they flicker and dance.

'Those who play with fire, get burnt'

maybe I want to get burnt, maybe I need to feel the flame one last time before finally putting the fire out completely.

ciao

Chances for all

Can someone run out of chances?

Does it get to a stage where it just turns into taking advantage of another's goodwill or do chances just depend on the person handing them out?

I would like to say that I forgive easily and am unable to form the emotion linked to hatred and in most respects that is very true but somethings lie deeper than just a sorry, they have to be felt and meant and acted on in such a way that prevents them happening again, but how will you ever really be sure of that, I guess its a chance we take ourselves.

Someone wise told me that sometimes its not the other person who you need to give the chance to but yourself, for not all changes rely on one person alone and that is very true. You may be giving chances away like the wind blows but they mean nothing if the person you give them to cant or wont change alone and thats why you have to change a little too, but are you willing, am I willing? I can honestly say I do not know, it would be like causing myself unnecessary pain or is it worth it? That's a stupid question because the only way we would ever know the answer to that one is if we could see in to the future, so I guess its another chance we just have to take.

Why so many chances?

Ciao

sobz

My heart is a sidewalk and I am a white rose...

So recently I have been reading this book called Evermore which has gotten me interested in flower meanings so I thought I would share.

Did you know that a red tulip is a declaration of love.

White Rose is for a heart ignorant of love.

Yellow Roses symbolise Jealousy.

Forget-me-nots symbolise true love.

White Lilies mean purity.

The funniest one I found but also most amazing was:

Lettuce is for someone cold hearted.

~My heart once a beautiful forget-me-not is now

a tarnished white rose, robbed of all goodness and

innocence~

Please Don't..

Please don't leave me

for I am a lonely soul,

your lonely soul comforted mine

Please don't stop loving me

for I never knew how to love before you

but maybe this isnt love

Please don't make me cry

for my eyes did never cry so

not until you taught them what pain was

Please don't confuse me

for I barely know how to feel as it is

you could at least have given me a clue

Please don't try and make me hate you

for I wouldn't know how

I only know how to love you

Please don't hurt me anymore

make your mind up

its getting harder and harder to see clearly

~Only you could hurt me so many times and still

make me love more each and every day~

Confusion

What is happiness?

does it have a colour?

Are you meant to feel?

Can it leave you?

If it were a colour it would be blue

blue is calm

blue is moving

blue is beautiful

blue is cold

If it were a feeling it would be nausea

nausea makes you dizzy

nausea makes you sick

nausea makes you stop eating

nausea makes you sad

If it could leave you

it would leave you lying on the floor

it would leave you crying begging for more

it would leave you bleeding

it would leave you needing

~Happiness is nothing but a wrongly defined word,

For what they say should be linked to it,

Rarely happens so~

Happiness

Someone told me:

If you want to be happy

then just be

The most true saying in the world but also false sometimes sadness is just too overpowering to conquer by merely forcing yourself to feel otherwise.

But I nonetheless believe in the saying.

Mwah

sobz

so seeing as being sad seems to by my forte, I am going to wallow again. Just when I thought my life was actually looking up something else strikes me down and you would have thought that after a certain amount of pain that you stop feeling but its not so. In some strange way the more hurt you are the more intensified the pain is the next time, but I think I have gotten to a stage where I just numb myself up and feel nothing which I dunno if is better or worse to be truthful.

As paramore say:

'You are the only exception'

and how true that sentence is, you don't realise how much until you love someone.

peace

sobz