Fuck

When did my life get to the stage where I don't care whether I live or die? It must have happened so slowly I didn't even feel the fall, and to think that not longer than 4 months ago I was actually happier than I have ever been, but that now is a mere memory.

I can probably say with all honesty that I hate my life, I can't even be bothered to look at others through envious eyes because there isn't even a point in trying to obtain it, I'm stuck here. What did I do deserve this? I think I am so far beyond repair now that I'll just have to pretend to be happy but even that is getting tiring and I find myself slipping so often my friends are actually noticing this pain I don't even feel but obviously bare on my face and in my behaviour. I just don't know what to do with myself anymore, I had goals and targets but at this point in time it's like I don't even want to attempt at them because I'm so so so tired of being let down. I give chances to people because I'm too afraid to give up and realise that they're all just fucking me up on purpose. Am I destined to be that person forever, the substitute for better things, the one that is so easy to give up on, the one that no one wants to fight for, the one that is so easily replaced? I genuinely believed and had faith that people may for some out of this world reason actually like me, simply for who I am and not just for what I give. I was wrong, never have I wanted to be this wrong in my life. I as a person am not worth much, it's pathetic and stupid but I have realised it now and I guess it'll follow me everywhere. I wish I was someone else someone who was worth something, someone people didn't just give up on and toss to the side without a second thought, someone worth living for, someone who left a lasting impression.