Not now please.

Fuck this heavy heart of mine.

meh.

Never is there ever someone to talk to when I feel like this.
Instead I'm here pouring my mind and soul into posts that wont even be read.

life

I don't think people ever truly understand each other, they just say they do to make the other person feel better, but eventually they slip and the other person realises that actually they were never understood at all and then they feel so alone and wish they had never confided in anyone to start with.

Tell me please...

Who are you?

Full

~I'm so full of emotion that I'm completely numb.~

Truth be told...

~I am my biggest enemy.~

please tell me..

WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?

~For I have nothing left to give.~

Why?

Why do you listen but not say a word?

Why do you watch but never truly see?

Why do you care when theres nothing left?

Why do you appear but never when you're needed?

Why do you stay but are never really present?

~What do you want?~

Time

Sometimes its hard to breathe, I forget how to fill my lungs
Other times its hard to eat, my stomach turns over and over
Most times its hard to think, my mind fight a battle with insanity

All the time its hard to be, for being means accepting and accepting is to be.

who are you?

Who is it reading these as I post?
Why do you care?

Nostalgia..

...is the way I am reminded of our first kiss as I walk through the blooming magnolias,
the way I think of nothing but the comfort of your arms as I lay alone in my bed.
It is the way I can no longer breathe walking the paths we used to walk together,
how the tears flow to the setting sun on the horizon as I walk home alone.

Nostalgia is the way spring now makes me feel so numb I doubt my own existence at times.

My sad soul

Why does no one just tell me its ok to be sad and then hold my hand through the sadness.
Instead they try their best to change me and in the end blame me for not trying to be happy, when really I am happy, its just that I carry an unmovable sadness inside.
~I bear inside me a sad soul, please don't try and change that, for it is all I know.~

Radio.

'Now my life is sweet like cinnamon

Like a fucking dream I'm living in

Baby love me cause I'm playing on the radio

(How do you like me now?)

Pick me up and take me like a vitamin

'Cause my body's sweet like sugar venom oh yeah

Baby love me cause I'm playing on the radio

(How do you like me now?)'

-Lana Del Rey

I need to...

~To using the future to escape the present~

She opened her mouth,

but still the air would open her lungs kindly.

For hours, days, months now she had not been able to breathe,

not a single breath that did not tear her apart inside.

"Who are you?"

... She shouted.
"You who goes there with your hands grasping so tightly around my heart?"

For once...

She found herself alone with him one day, she told him to listen as she read a sonnet:
'“You say that you love rain, but you open your umbrella when it rains. You say that you love the sun, but you find a shadow spot when the sun shines. You say that you love the wind, but you close your windows when wind blows. This is why I am afraid, you say that you love me too.” 
She looked him straight in the eyes and with a shaky voice said, 'Now do you understand.'

shouting,

her thoughts were so loud she couldn't hear the words she spoke.
She spoke them out of habit, answering questions and making simple conversation.
Everything was simple to her, nothing worth the hassle it entailed, but her mind
filled to the brim with complicated thoughts and memories.

She couldn't breathe...

... she was drowning again, being pulled down the same spiralling plughole. The suffocation didn't ease, she felt it whilst she slept, she felt it in her waking moments but worst of all she felt it in her happiness, a happiness so false she found herself gasping for air at the best of times. Her chest cavity becoming heavier and heavier with an emptiness determined to hold her back. She was losing the battle to remain herself and was slowly letting it consume her. She was planning to run and she was planning to run far and forever.

The odds were always against her

She often got the urge to scream and shout, the urge to be angry at God and to curse the day she was born. She felt she could not do a single thing right in this world so filled with judging eyes. Why had they taken from her the only thing that felt right and home to her? Was it punishment for what was in her mind? Was it punishment for all those times she couldn't play along? Yet the punishments refused to end they haunted her at night with mares of life as it could be, they haunted during the days with passing memories of how things used to be. She found not her sanctuary in the places where they used to be. Not a word spoken by another had helped and she had not felt she could speak her words to another. She carried on down a road so steep she felt as though she were falling. Her dreams were nothing more than pleas at god, her hopes nothing more than the cries of a pessimist. She felt not sadness at her loss but neither did she feel happiness at her gains, she felt nothing. Only longing. She loved not another for she didn't know how. She hated not but one, realising it was too late to ever feel anything but hatred for this one. She forgave all but him for being the devil in her reality. She was tired of living sometimes but wasn't ready for death, if she could merely not have existed. She wished she could stop falling and feel the grass again then she would walk away from it all and live again.